It's a little quiet at our house this holiday. Lonna and I feel so sad.
As we head into yet another horrendous holiday season, I know many of you have heard enough horseshit this year to last a lifetime. There appears to be no end to it in sight, thanks to Tucker Carlson who keeps tossing bottles of lighter fluid into the bonfire. And it's not just a matter of turning off Fox News to squelch the chatter. It is our families. How do we turn them off?
Last year my brother Hank and his wife Barb and all their MAGA friends have not only hijacked the health of our community and polluted our neighborhood with their dumbass signs, but they also dampened the holiday spirit this year by repeatedly proclaiming that “radical socialists” are ruining Christmas every friggin' time I run into them at Meijer Thrifty Acres. Ruining? Huh? How's that? Is this because the government refuses to force truck drivers to work double shifts at minimum wage with no benefits (which would essentially make them indentured servants)?
Yeah, let's hate on those truckers who should be delivering our bacon.
Or is it because there is a bacon shortage? This I know: way-left-of-center folks are on a plant-based diet, so this makes no sense at all. If anything, their eating habits make bacon CHEAPER and more readily available.
Or is it because our county made people wear masks in the mall again as the local infection rate crested around 30% and we had one ICU bed left in town? OMG. I'll tell you what is ruining Christmas for a lot of folks, Hank: DEATH. Like over 1.1 million people dead. Let that sink in. That's a lot of grandpas, aunties and drinking buddies Hank. Fuck the bacon shortage.
And you know, all that hardcore whining started in October, well before Macy’s had even set out their holiday clap trap. Since then Hank, all of your GOP buddies have been feverishly throwing up (pun intended) miserable propaganda on Facebook every other day. The amateur cut and paste graphics and failure to grammar or spellcheck anything boggles my mind. Surprised you didn't notice all of those red flags, Hank. Might have cued you in to "hey, this looks like made up horseshit." Instead you were reposting that crap everywhere. And yeah, that's right... you were the guy that didn't need to crack a textbook in high school. Now I remember. Naturally brilliant you were.
Whose grandpa handles all this GOP/MAGA social media anyway? Senator Grassley? My personal fav tweet was the “House Republicans” post, which included a blurry picture of Joe Biden’s backside which read: “This is the guys who is trying to steal Christmas.” Yes, "guys." Plural. I bet that tweet really rev’d up the base.
Ouch. This tweet really cut deep. Especially those impactful 601 likes.
Mostly I would like to thank you Hank, my unvaccinated brother, for your inspired 2022 holiday gifts. After you visited granny in the nursing home last month (to ask for a “loan” to cover your gambling debts), 18 residents were forced to quarantine and half the nursing staff was sent home (for 14 days). We are so happy, Hank, that your constitutional rights were not trampled on by security when you turned up at Golden Haven drunk, unmasked and then proceeded to join granny for lunch in the communal dining room. A banner day for the Bill of Rights.
Granny now lives with us Hank. And she found your "stash" in the trunk at the end of the bed. Fortunately Lonna knew how to do CPR.
A BIG THANKS HANK for bringing our family back together. Best Thanksgiving gift ever, really. Granny is now living with us indefinitely in your old bedroom. And all of this transpired after your spending every cent of your life savings at Cache Creek Casino last weekend with your buddy Mike, whom we came to understand had lost his sense of taste and smell. We realize the casino buffet food was bland, but I personally do not accept that as an excuse for your ignoring Mike's blatantly obvious Covid symptoms. We so much appreciate your having passed the "kung flu" (as you call it) on to the rest of the family. Fortunately we had several weeks to recover before the next round of holidays. But know this bro: we DO NOT join you in giving yourself kudos for helping our family achieve herd immunity. Get your fucking vaccine.
Hank, who is mentally still in middle school, loves playing slots at Cache Creek. Have you ever met someone who could spend their entire nest egg on SLOT MACHINES?! Quite a feat.
Christmas Day is looking to be a blast. This year Lonna and I will only have to prepare a fraction of the usual vittles as I’m pretty sure at least half of the family will be doing an about-face when they reach our front door and read the sign “No mask, no vaccine, no X-mas.” Of course we'll have a table and chairs set up in the front yard for any of you needing to exercise your constitutional rights, but a head's up... the weather forecast shows there is going to be a “polar vortex” and about 4" of snow with wind gusts of around 40 mph.
Yep… calm, kind and obliging brother Billy is DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS this year about vaccines and masks. Be comforted in knowing that my immediate family and I will be enjoying filet mignon and lobster after we open all the gifts under the tree (and that would include yours).
After dinner I intend to relax on the living room couch in front of the fireplace with a glass of cognac and watch the footage of your profanity-laced commentary as was recorded on the CCTV camera on the front porch. Best gift of all Hank. Thank you for that unbridled temper tantrum. May you have a fucking miserable Christmas.
I'm not opening the door just because you put on a suit. That Chinese carry-out place at the Southside Shopping Center is open until 8:00 p.m.
My god, what a clever piece this is.